CFTF I: What Started Out As Friendship
by TracyJean
Summary: When Brumby returns at the Surface Warfare Ball, Harm and Mac must face up to their feelings or risk losing each other forever.
1. Chapter 1

AUTHOR'S NOTE – The title of the series comes from REO Speedwagon's song 'Can't Fight This Feeling' and the title of each chapter is a line from that song.

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FRIDAY, 26 MAY  
2345 ZULU  
SURFACE WARFARE BALL  
WASHINGTON D.C.

Harm felt his breath catch in his chest when he heard the familiar Australian accent. Barely noticing Renee's gentle tug on his arm, he turned and saw Mic Brumby greet Mac. Harm noticed Mac smile in surprise and delight as she asked Brumby what he was doing at the ball. Mic's answer to the question chilled Harm and everything around him seemed to move in slow motion as he had a mental flash of his partner and friend slipping away from him, perhaps forever.

"I've reserved my commission," Brumby replied to Mac's question. "I've moved to Washington to be nearer the woman I love."

As he watched Mac and Brumby link arms to enter the ballroom, Harm had to admit to himself that it had been easier to deal with – rather, not deal with – Mac's relationship with Brumby when the man was on the other side of the world. It was easy to forget that Mac was involved with someone else when Harm was not confronted with that fact every day. No, that wasn't entirely true. He had to deal with it every time he saw that damn ring on her finger. So far, however, she had shown no inclination to move it from her right to her left hand. Now that Brumby was back in town, Harm was afraid that it was only a matter of time. . . .

As Brumby walked beside her, exchanging greetings with Bud and Harriet Roberts, Mac couldn't help but seek out her partner with her eyes. Unable to make sense of the feelings swirling around inside her head, she instinctively sought out Harm's comforting, rock-steady gaze without thinking about why she was looking to another man for reassurance, trying not to think about why the sudden reappearance of the man who had asked her to marry him had her so shaken.

Still lost in thought, Harm allowed Renee to guide him towards to ballroom. Stealing a glance back, Harm found Mac staring at him and he noticed that the smile on her face did not quite reach her eyes. Rather, the look in her eyes spoke of being uncomfortable with Brumby's sudden move and of something else, something Harm couldn't quite put his finger on.

As Lt. Singer walked up beside them with her date to say hello to Brumby, Harriet Roberts took the opportunity to look at Mac, who had seemed distracted to her ever since Mic's surprise announcement. Seeing Mac staring off into the distance, Harriet followed her gaze and saw Harm looking back, an unreadable expression on his face. Noticing Harriet's scrutiny, Harm broke off eye contact with Mac and turned to walk into the ballroom with Renee, while Mac closed her eyes for a moment and sighed sadly.

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0130 ZULU

Mac stood off to the side of the dance floor, watching couples move gracefully across the room with a faraway look on her face, a forgotten cup of punch in her hand. Mic was out there somewhere; Sydney had asked him for a dance, saying that she was anxious to get to know everyone better. The Admiral had promptly turned around and asked Mac to dance, but she had begged off, claiming thirst as an excuse. She had moved off to the refreshment table while the Admiral had been cornered by the SecNav to discuss their recent case in Florida.

She caught sight of Harm out of the corner of her eye; he had somehow shaken off the Video Princess and was partnered with Harriet for the current dance. Mac's heart skipped a beat as she studied him in his mess dress, medals neatly lined up across his left jacket front, gold wings gleaming under the ballroom lights. Her pulse quickened as she recalled snippets of a conversation in Columbia several years past. . . .

_"You know, what they say about dress whites and gold wings. . . ?" she had started._

"Yeah?" Harm had asked her, a gleam in his eyes.

"Highly overrated," she had teased, even as she had found herself mesmerized by the sight of Harm in his. So mesmerized that she had _nearly kissed him. . . ._

But Mac had to admit, at least to herself, that they weren't overrated, not to her, not when worn by a certain aviator-turned-lawyer. If only he had been able to open up to her on the ferry in Australia, maybe they wouldn't be trapped in this place and time, further apart than they had ever been, even further apart than they had been in the beginning, when their partnership was new.

But Harm's inability to express his deepest feelings to her was just a part of the problem. The easy camaraderie that they had shared for most of their partnership, the friendship that had sustained them both through some of their darkest hours, had been strained when Harm had left her to return to flying. Although he had come back to JAG, back to her, nothing was the same. They remained friendly, but Mac couldn't really characterize their current relationship as that of best friends. Occasionally, there were flashes of the old spark, such as the way he had teased her a few days earlier about not having a date for the ball. But such moments were too few and too far between. Mac desperately wanted more of those moments. She wanted their old relationship back. And until that night on the ferry, she would have admitted that she wanted more.

And what about Mic? Sometimes, when she couldn't stop herself from thinking about it too much, she wondered if she would have been so quick to wear Mic's ring, so quick to agree to consider his proposal, if she and Harm hadn't already been strained to the breaking point, even before Australia. Yes, he had hurt her that night in Sydney when she had all but admitted she loved him and he had pushed her away, but would the moment have been easier to get past if she could have been sure that the bonds of a deep and abiding friendship were still there?

Maybe if their friendship had been the same as before, then it would have been easier for her to hope for a future, to wait for him to come to his senses and admit his feelings. But his rejection on top of their already stretched-thin friendship had been more than any woman, even a strong Marine, could take. He didn't want her as a lover and sometimes it appeared that they couldn't be friends anymore, not like before. It had sent her running into Mic's arms. And it was slowly tearing her apart inside.

Mac didn't even notice when the song ended and couples began moving off the dance floor to take a break or to grab some refreshments. She was lost in her own little world of lost friendships and rejected feelings until a warm, familiar voice in front of her brought her crashing back to reality.

"You know, we still haven't had a dance, Colonel."

Mac snapped her gaze to the man in front of her, praying that her voice wouldn't shake and betray what she had been thinking. "Well, maybe it's because you haven't asked me," she replied, trying to keep her tone light and teasing. So why did her response sound so flat to her ears?

Harm noticed her tone and the flyboy grin that he flashed her didn't quite have the usual warmth behind it. While he had been dancing with Harriet, he had seen her standing off to the side and had seen the faraway look, the sad expression in her deep chocolate eyes. He wanted so much to cheer her up, to see even a flash of his favorite 'kick-ass' jarhead, but he was lost on how to salvage their relationship. He missed her, but he didn't know how to make it better. Maybe a dance was a small step in the right direction. Holding out his hand to her and bowing slightly at the waist, he asked, "May I have this dance, Sarah?"

Oh God, he called her 'Sarah'. She could count on her fingers the number of times he had called her that and each one of them had been special. Mac didn't trust herself to speak as she turned to set her cup of punch on a nearby table and then turned back to hold her hand out for him to take. She held her breath and tried not to shake too much as his fingers curled stiffly around hers, as he wrapped his other arm around her, pulling her closer to him as they moved out onto the dance floor. She rested her left hand lightly on his shoulder, trying to resist the urge to hold onto him and never let go. As she stared at a point just over his right shoulder, she fought the desire to forget everything – their careers, the man whose ring she now wore on her right hand – and to lose herself in his embrace.

Harm noticed how stiff and unyielding Mac seemed in his arms. How had they arrived at this point? Nothing had been the same since Australia. No, he had to admit to himself, it had begun before that, ever since he had returned from the USS Patrick Henry to resume his duties at JAG. She had been warm and friendly when he had seen her on the carrier for Lieutenant Buxton's court martial, but the old spark had seemed to disappear from their friendship once he returned to JAG. Australia had just been another nail in the coffin that was their friendship. And the move of Brumby's ring from right to left would possibly be the final nail.

Shivering slightly as that terrifying thought crossed his mind, Harm unconsciously tightened his hold on Mac, drawing her even closer to him until their bodies were intimately pressed together, as if by holding on to her physically he could hang onto their deteriorating relationship. God, he didn't want to let her go, couldn't let her go. His soul depended on it.

Without thinking about it, Mac found herself relaxing and settled into his tight embrace, tilting her head so that their cheeks were touching. Mac lost herself in his touch, his scent as their bodies swayed to the music. Tears formed in Mac's eyes as she listened to the words of Bette Midler's 'The Rose'.

Mac closed her eyes against the tears as she reflected on how true the words were when applied to her life. Her soul was bleeding and her heart was aching, torn between the man she didn't love who offered her the world and the man she did who couldn't let go and let her in.

As Harm listened to the second verse, his mind turned back to that awful night in Australia, when Mac had opened up to him and he had shut down and shut her out, retreating behind an impenetrable shield of duty, not knowing at the time how much that decision would cost him, how much it would tear him up inside.

As the song faded, both of their minds turned back to their first meeting in the Rose Garden, the day Harm had received his first Distinguished Flying Cross, when the Admiral had warned them, "Don't get too familiar, you've got to work together." But they both realized in the deepest reaches of their hearts, even if they could not or would not admit it aloud, that the feelings churning inside them both were more powerful than any order from a two-star.

-----

Renee returned from the ladies' room just as Harm and Mac had started dancing and her eyes had immediately found them on the dance floor. As she watched, she could tell how uncomfortable Mac had appeared at first in Harm's embrace, how stiffly Harm had been holding her, and she could pinpoint the exact second when they both had relaxed and lost themselves in each other, the music and the feelings in their tortured hearts.

She had no illusions about her and Harm's relationship. Harm was sexy as hell and incredible in bed, but Renee knew it wasn't meant to be forever. She was realistic. Men may date and sleep with women like her, but as someone had once said 'I'm not the marrying kind.' And deep down she had always known that even if she had been marriage-minded, Harm's heart would never truly belong to her, for that little piece of him had been locked up tight by a certain Marine Lieutenant Colonel long before she had ever entered the picture and would remain so long after she was gone.

She didn't notice anyone approach her until she heard a soft "Damn!" coming from just behind her right shoulder. Renee turned to find Mic Brumby standing just behind her, an angry look settling in his eyes as he watched the couple swaying together on the dance floor. Obviously, he wasn't as realistic as she was.

"Has it ever occurred to you that you're fighting a losing battle?" Renee asked softly, hoping to prevent a scene. She may not have been military, but she was sure that those who were would appreciate proper decorum being maintained.

"He doesn't deserve her," Mic said with conviction. "She's too good for him."

Renee almost laughed, but she knew that the angry man beside her wouldn't appreciate that reaction. "You know, Harm says the same thing about you," she responded. "And I would not be surprised if Colonel Mackenzie has made a comment or two about my relationship with Harm behind my back."

That was true, Mic admitted to himself. Mac called her the 'Video Princess' and thought her shallow and superficial. But Mic was very much the gentleman with members of the opposite sex and was not about to admit such a thing to her face. He turned the conversation back to the couple lost in their own little world on the dance floor. "And you can accept being at the losing end of this battle?" Mic asked. Maybe she wasn't shallow as she appeared to be.

Renee shrugged. "It's kind of hard to lose a battle if there never really has been one to begin with," she replied matter-of-factly. "Even if I was interested in a commitment, his heart's not mine. It never has been. And if that is any indication, it never could be."

Mic was surprised. She had obviously put a lot of thought into this. "So what are you going to do, just walk away?"

"I have my pride," she stated. "What's so proud about hanging onto a man who is so obviously in love with someone else that a blind man could see it?" She paused for a moment, watching Mic's eyes as he processed what she was saying. He knew the truth, Renee thought, even if he wasn't as willing as her to admit it. Maybe the Australian wasn't as arrogant and full of himself as Harm had always claimed.

"Let me ask you something," Renee said. "And believe me when I say that I am not saying this to upset you. Call it a little something for you to think about." She took a deep breath, then dove in, "Is this about loving Mac or beating Harm?"

Mic stared at her, stunned, even as he debated with himself over the answer, not that he would admit aloud that there was any such debate. "Of course, I love Mac," he responded firmly. "What kind of question is that?"

"Maybe the most important one of all," she countered, her eyes full of sympathy. "If you love her so much, and if you know her feelings aren't as strong as yours, do you think you can love her enough to let her go? Even if it means letting her go to Harm?"

Mic was about to respond when Renee shook her head. "No," she said softly. "Just something for you to think about, remember?" With one more glance at the couple on the dance floor, she started to leave, but turned back after a couple of steps and told Mic, "Good luck. I hope you find your answers and that you can live with them when you do."

Forgetting for a moment about the couple on the dance floor, Mic watched her leave, thoughtful and intrigued. He never would have thought that Renee could even take into consideration anyone's feelings but her own. Just as he had never thought that anyone or anything would cause him to question whether or not marrying Mac was the right thing to do.

-----

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

On the sidelines, Harriet had found a chair to sit in while she rested her tired and swollen feet for a few minutes while Bud went for some refreshments. Harriet searched the dance floor with her eyes for the rest of the group from JAG. It took only a moment for her eyes to light on Harm and Mac as they melted into each other's arms and Harriet lost all interest in finding anyone else. A small, satisfied smile crossed her face as she watched Mac, who was facing her direction, close her eyes and lose herself in the moment and in her partner's embrace.

Harriet had had her suspicions about the look that she had witnessed between Harm and Mac in the hallway and it was becoming very apparent to her that she was right. Harriet wanted her friends to be happy and she knew that they belonged together, just as Harm and Mac had known the same about her and Bud a few years earlier. Not that she didn't like Mic; she did. And Renee was not that bad either; after all, she had been nice enough to arrange for the stunning dress that Harriet was currently wearing. She just didn't think that they belonged with Mac and Harm.

"What's up with those two?" asked a voice beside her. Harriet looked up to find the Admiral's date, Dr. Sydney Walden, standing beside her watching the couple on the dance floor. Harriet smiled. Happily married and expecting her second child, Harriet thought the world would be perfect if everyone else around her was as happy as she was. She thought it was wonderful that the Admiral, whom she looked up to and who had done so much for her and her family, had found a woman as nice as Dr. Walden appeared to be. Harriet was looking forward to getting to know her better.

Before Harriet could respond, Bud, who had just returned and overheard the question, piped in as he handed a cup of punch to his wife, "The Commander and Colonel have been good friends for years."

Harriet let out an exasperated sigh and shook her head as she took the offered punch. "Oh, Bud," she retorted, but with a small smile to soften her words. "I don't know about you sometimes."

"What?" Bud complained. "They care about each other, but the Commander is with Ms. Peterson and the Colonel is practically engaged to Commander Brumby."

"This from the man whose jaw was wired shut for weeks because of Commander Rabb's feelings for the Colonel?" Harriet reminded him. 

"Yeah, well. . . ." Bud trailed off, remembering the agony of that particular incident and not especially anxious to relieve it.

"Wait a minute," Sydney interjected, widely curious. "What does Bud having his jaw wired have to do with Commander Rabb and Colonel Mackenzie?"

"Nothing!" Bud exclaimed. "When a witness picked a fight with a defendant in a case the Commanders were adversaries on, Commanders Rabb and Brumby got in the middle of it and were going to exchange blows themselves when I got in between them. Result, one jaw broken in two places."

"They both hit you?"

Harriet nodded, adding, "There's a little more to the story than what my husband is revealing. . . ."

"Harriet, you were nine thousand miles away," Bud pointed out, as Sydney looked at both of them, her curiosity growing.

Noticing the questioning look on Sydney's face, Harriet explained Bud's last comment. "Bud, the Commanders and the Colonel were in Australia when all this happened." Harriet turned to pat her husband on the arm. "Now, Bud, I may have been back in frozen D.C., but I heard enough to read between the lines."

Turning her attention back to Sydney, Harriet continued, "The Commanders have always been adversarial in court, that is true. But Commander Brumby has almost always been chasing after Colonel Mackenzie. . . ."

"And Commander Rabb doesn't like it," Sydney interrupted, understanding dawning. Harriet was confirming some of what Sydney had guessed based on offhand comments that AJ had made about his officers.

"To say the least," Harriet remarked. "And then Colonel Mackenzie returned from Australia wearing Commander Brumby's ring – on her right hand."

"Hmmm," Sydney murmured. It explained a lot. When Sydney had first met Mac at the airport as the younger woman had been preparing to board a flight to Australia, she had thought that Mac did not quite have that glow of a woman in love. AJ hadn't said much when asked about it, not being one to gossip about his officers, but a stray comment here and there had drawn a partial picture for Sydney of a triangle glaringly apparent to anyone and everyone, except maybe for two of the principle players.

"I don't mean to go on," Harriet added, hoping she wasn't giving the impression of being a gossip herself, but she didn't think it could hurt for someone else to see how much Harm and Mac were meant to be, "but Commander Rabb and Colonel Mackenzie are so perfect for each other. I just wish they could see what everyone else does."

The Admiral had finally managed to shake off the SecNav and made his way over to the trio, carrying two cups of punch. He handed one to Sydney, which she took with bright smile directed at him.

"Enjoying yourselves, Lieutenants?" AJ asked Bud and Harriet.

"Absolutely, sir," Bud responded enthusiastically while Harriet continued to stare at the couple out on the dance floor, having not quite heard the question.

AJ noticed and followed her gaze. Oh, hell, he thought as he noticed what exactly had Harriet's undivided attention, things are going to be very interesting around here. "Lieutenant Sims?" AJ prompted, a little more firmly this time.

Harriet finally registered the Admiral's presence and tore her gaze away from the dance floor. "Sorry, sir," she said, her cheeks turning pink at her embarrassment that she hadn't even realized her CO standing right in front of her.

"Having a good time, Lieutenant?" he asked again.

"Oh, yes, sir," she responded. "Just taking a break. I am a little tired."

AJ nodded. "That's understandable, Lieutenant. Try not to overdo it tonight."

"No, sir," Harriet said, smiling at the concern evident in his voice. "I am going to relax for a bit and enjoy getting to know Dr. Walden."

"Please," Sydney insisted, "call me Sydney." She couldn't help but like the bright, bubbly young woman.

AJ chuckled. "These two can't remember to call their best friends by their names most of the time when away from work," he explained to Sydney. Bud and Harriet both smiled at the comment; even after years of friendship, it was still hard for the junior officers to think of Commander Rabb and Colonel Mackenzie as Harm and Mac.

Sydney was about to respond when Renee joined them, a folded piece of paper in her hand. "Since Harm is busy right now, could one of you make sure he gets this?" she asked, holding out the note she had written quickly after walking away from Mic. AJ took the note, a questioning look in his eyes.

"I just got notified of this problem out in LA that I need to take care of," Renee explained hurriedly. "It's still early out there, so I really need to go someplace where I can call there and handle whatever has gone wrong now. Just make sure Harm gets this and let him know that I will call him tomorrow." Without a further word, Renee turned and made her way towards the door they had entered through earlier, leaving two puzzled couples in her wake.

"I wonder what that was all about?" Sydney asked while Harriet turned her gaze back to the dance floor as the song was ending, wondering if what was happening out there had anything to do with Renee's retreat.

-----

Back on the dance floor, as the last notes of the song drifted away, Harm and Mac remained swaying in each other's arms for a few seconds before they became aware of the silence around them. Breaking apart hastily, they stared at each other for a long moment, overwhelmed by everything they were feeling, not quite ready for the moment to end.

"Ummm. . . ." they both began. They both broke off, smiling to cover the awkwardness of the moment, both wondering if the other could hear the pounding of their hearts.

Taking a steadying breath, Mac began again, "Thank you for the dance, Harm. I enjoyed it."

Harm's blue-green eyes studied her for a moment as he held onto the memory of the moment, the feel of her warm body in his arms, the warm spot on his shoulder where her hand had rested as they danced, the tingly feeling where his cheek had rested against the top of her head. "I'm glad you enjoyed it, Sarah," he replied softly.

Mac's heart skipped a beat as he called her 'Sarah' for the second time in a matter of minutes and she wondered briefly if everyone could see how much her knees were shaking. But any response she might have made was lost as Harm's attention was diverted to something behind her. "Brumby's heading this way," Harm whispered to her, taking a step back.

Oh, God, Mac thought as she fought an internal battle for control of her raging emotions, don't let him see me like this. Don't let him see ...

"Hello, Mic," Harm said, his voice carefully neutral. With one dance, he felt that just a little bit of the old Harm and Mac had been recaptured and the last thing he wanted was to ruin it by fighting with the smug Australian in front of Mac.

"Hello, mate," Mic responded, his voice equally neutral. If Harm wasn't going to start anything, then neither was he. "Sarah?"

Mac slowly turned around, a smile plastered on her face, hoping that her face didn't betray the turmoil raging in her heart and soul. "Hello, Mic," she answered, hoping he couldn't hear the slight tremor in her voice, couldn't see the trembling of her hands.

"May I have this dance, luv?" Mic asked, holding out his hand. If he noticed that the smile on her face didn't quite reach her eyes, he didn't comment on it.

Mac placed her hand in his and turned back slightly to catch Harm's gaze. "Thank you again for the dance," she said softly as Mic started to lead her away.

"Anytime, Sarah," Harm whispered once they were out of earshot, trying not to think about it, of the other half of his soul in the arms of another man. "Anytime."

-----

0230 ZULU

Harm mingled among the other guests for the rest of the evening after he read the note left for him by Renee, not thinking about why it didn't bother him that his girlfriend had left the ball with only a brief note as explanation, trying not to think about the vision in red out on the dance floor, Mic stuck to her side like glue since Harm had left them.

He partnered with Harriet again, also with Carolyn Imes and Sydney, spending the rest of the time conversing politely with various JAG officers on the sidelines. But his responses were short, one- or two-word comments. Everyone noticed the distance, the faraway look in his eyes, but no one commented on it. And they pretended not to notice when his gaze would periodically fall on Mac out on the dance floor with Mic. 

Currently, Harm was standing on the sidelines with Bud and Harriet, half listening as Bud filled his wife in on his younger brother Mikey and his recent trouble. Harm's eyes again found Mac as she waltzed with Mic, her gaze meeting Harm's every time she turned in his direction. Harm didn't even notice that Bud and Harriet were speaking to him until he felt Harriet's hand on his arm.

"Commander?" Harriet asked, the concern obvious in her voice as she saw what he was seeing.

Harm managed to tear his gaze away and turned to Harriet. "Yes, Harriet?" he asked.

"Well," Harriet said brightly, "Bud and I were just talking. You've been so busy recently, with Commander Coulter's father's case and with Mikey's troubles, that you haven't really had a chance recently to spend any time with little AJ."

"I'm sorry," he responded. He did enjoy spending time with little AJ and had missed that recently. "It has been kind of hectic lately." It was the longest answer anyone had gotten out of him in the last hour.

"Of course," Harriet responded, growing more excited about her idea. "What are you doing on Sunday, sir?" Bud, just out of Harm's line of sight, shook his head. He wasn't sure that Harriet should be doing what she was about to do. At least, not for the reasons that she was doing it for.

Harm pondered for a moment, then answered, "I don't have any plans right now. What do you have in mind?"

"Well," she explained. "We are planning a family day at Rock Creek Park on Sunday, pack a picnic lunch, maybe take a side trip to the zoo. Anyway, so that you can spend some time with your godson, Bud and I thought you and the Colonel would like to join us."

"I see," Harm replied carefully, trying not to show his excitement about the possibility of spending some leisure time with Mac, even if it was in the company of the Roberts family. "Have you spoken to Mac about this yet?"

"Not yet, sir," Bud replied. "I mean, Commander Brumby has, well. . . ." He trailed off, not sure if it was a good idea to mention Brumby in Harm's presence.

Harm smiled at Bud's obvious discomfort. "Understood, Bud," he replied, trying to place Bud at ease. "You haven't had the opportunity to approach Mac about your idea yet."

"No, but I'm sure she would also appreciate the chance to spend some time with AJ, sir," Harriet explained.

"I'm sure she would, Harriet," Harm answered, chuckling. Harriet was a bit transparent, but he didn't mind. Any chance to see Mac outside of work – and away from Brumby - was fine with him. "Anyway, count me in regardless," he added. No need for them to know how much he wanted to spend time with Mac.

"Well, thank you, sir," Harriet responded, a bit surprised that he had agreed so easily. She hadn't been entirely sure when she came up with the idea of including her son's godparents in on their family day at the park that either of them would agree.

She had imagined one, or perhaps both, of them suggesting that their presence would be an intrusion on family time. Or maybe they would claim to have plans already. It didn't matter. Now that Harm had agreed, Harriet didn't think she would have any problem getting Mac to agree also. Everything was coming together. The only thing left was for a certain Navy Commander and Marine Lieutenant Colonel to figure out what was right in front of them. But Harriet couldn't help but wonder if that wasn't the tallest order of all.

-----

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

SATURDAY, 27 MAY  
0413 ZULU  
OUTSIDE SARAH MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT  
GEORGETOWN  
WASHINGTON D.C.

Mic parked his rental car in front of Mac's building and turned off the engine. In the passenger seat, Mac sat unmoving, staring out the window. Mac had been quiet most of the night, ever since her dance with Harm. No, Mic had to admit, it had started before that, started when they had entered the ballroom. Or after he had made his announcement. He wasn't sure that he wanted to think about the reason behind Mac's mood.

Sighing heavily, Mic asked, "Are you alright, luv?"

Startled out of her thoughts, Mac turned to him and shrugged. "I'm just tired," she replied, rubbing the bridge of her nose as if to emphasize her point. "This case we were just on was a crazy one and we just made it back from Florida in time to change for the ball and race over there." Her excuse sounded lame, even to her own ears, but how could she explain this to him? The man she was practically engaged to had just moved halfway around the world for her, but her thoughts were consumed by one Harmon Rabb, Jr.

"Are you sure?" he pressed gently. "You seemed happy to see me, but then. . . ." he trailed off.

"Of course, I was – am glad to see you," she retorted, perhaps a bit more strongly than she had intended. She sighed before continuing in a more even tone of voice, "It's always good to see you. You just caught me off-guard."

"I'm sorry, luv," Mic said, hoping to smooth things over, praying that Renee wasn't right about everything, hoping that this wasn't a losing battle that his heart was waging. "I just wanted to surprise you."

"Oh, Mic," Mac responded, smiling in an effort to easy the tension in the car. He was being so sweet; it wasn't his fault that her heart was in such a quandary. "I was definitely surprised." How true those words were, she thought.

"Good," Mic answered, although he wasn't so sure that it was a good thing. He tried to close his mind to the memory of her in the arms of another man, but the image of Harm and Mac together on the dance floor haunted him. Time to try to think about something else. "So what are your plans for this weekend?"

Mac was grateful for the change of subject. She just didn't want to think anymore about his sudden appearance back in her life and what it was doing to her. "Nothing really tomorrow, family day at the park on Sunday with Bud, Harriet and my godson," she replied. Mic had been partnered with Sydney again on the dance floor when Harriet had approached her about the picnic and Mac had readily agreed to attend. She didn't see the point in mentioning Harm's planned presence at the gathering to Mic.

But Mic knew. Harm was little AJ's other godparent. It would make sense for Harm to be included in Sunday's 'family day'. But Mic didn't want to start a fight, decided that there were some things he was better off not asking, not knowing. At least not right now.

"How about we grab some lunch tomorrow, maybe go to a movie?" he suggested.

Mac nodded, pleasantly surprised. She had half expected, based on past experience, that Mic would want to try to monopolize her leisure time now that he was back in the States. She didn't think she'd have a problem with lunch and a movie. "Okay, I think I would like that," she replied, a genuine smile on her face.

Mic was pleased that she agreed. Maybe Renee was just being paranoid; maybe he still did have a chance with Mac. "What do you say I pick you up at noon?" he asked.

"Works for me. How should I dress?"

"Casual is fine, luv," he answered, feeling more confident with each passing moment. "I was thinking about the Hard Rock Café for lunch. How about you pick the movie?"

"Okay. Do you have a particular type of movie in mind?" she asked.

"Whatever makes you happy, luv," he answered as he leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. "Good night, Sarah."

Again, he managed to surprise her. Maybe his presence in Washington wasn't meant to put pressure on her for a decision, as she had feared. She got out of the car and headed for the front door of her building, turning back to wave as he drove off.

Once inside her apartment, Mac leaned back against the closed door and closed her eyes. 'Whatever makes you happy, luv', he had said. But just what would make Sarah Mackenzie happy?

-----

0413 ZULU  
HARM RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION  
WASHINGTON D.C.

Harm pushed the door closed behind him and removed the jacket of his mess dress uniform, tossing it on the couch with a heavy sigh. He had been distracted all evening, ever since Mic had dropped his little bombshell. And then he had held Mac in his arms for a few moments as they danced and it was as if time had stood still for the two of them, as if all their problems and fears had disappeared for a few stolen moments on the dance floor.

He walked over to the window and looked out into the dark night, trying to sort through his thoughts. When Brumby had been recalled back to Australia, it had been so easy to forget that he had ever intruded on their lives. Then they had traveled to Australia earlier in the year and everything had fallen apart. First, that night on the ferry, when he couldn't let go. Then, Mic had asked Mac to marry him. Seeing her at the airport, wearing Mic's ring, kissing him in front of everyone, had cut through Harm's soul like a knife.

Then they had come back to the States, Brumby had stayed behind in Australia, and Harm had retreated even further away, throwing himself into his work and his relationship with Renee. Most of all, he tried to follow the Admiral's advice to 'never look back'.

And he failed miserably. How many times a day would a steal a glance at Mac's hands, just to make sure that she hadn't moved the ring from right to left? How often had he nearly slipped and called Renee 'Mac'? How many times, in the darkest depths of the night, would he wish that he could find the strength and courage to undo the mistakes he had made, most importantly the mistake that he knew in his heart had pushed Mac into Brumby's arms in the first place, the one he had made under the stars on a warm summer night in Sydney Harbor?

But now Brumby was back and was apparently going to be a permanent fixture in their lives. And the normally self-assured, confident Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr. had to admit, even if only to himself, that he could not deal with the pain in his heart.

Turning from the window, his eyes fell on his guitar resting on a chair in the corner of the dining area. Picking it up and sitting down, he strummed a few random cords with a heavy heart. Without even realizing it, he began playing "What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?", the same song that he, Mac and Bud had all sung together in the bar a few years earlier at the time that Mac had broken up with Dalton Lowne and he and Bud were having problems with Annie and Harriet, respectively.

As the last notes of the song faded away, Harm set the guitar down carefully and rose from the chair. 'I know I've got to find some kind of peace of mind.' The line from the song echoed in his head as he changed out of the rest of his uniform and climbed into bed. He laid there for a while, staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about the possibility of Brumby going home with Mac, sharing her bed.

When that didn't work, he tried reminding himself that he had a girlfriend, but his mind stubbornly kept drifting back to Mac. He could see her clearly, her red dress hugging every curve. He could feel her as if they were still out on the dance floor, wrapped in each other's arms as the music reflected the tortured feelings in his heart.

Even after he drifted off to sleep, his dreams were haunted by lost chances and broken dreams and a piece of his soul drifting away like a wisp of smoke on the wind.

-----

1000 ZULU  
ROCK CREEK PARK  
WASHINGTON D.C.

After only a few hours of restless sleep, Harm had finally gotten frustrated enough to crawl out of bed. Looking to burn off some of his excess energy and hoping to wear himself out enough to get some more sleep, Harm had dressed in a pair of blue shorts, a Naval Academy t-shirt and cap, and headed for the early morning peace and solitude of Rock Creek Park.

When he arrived at the park, Harm found himself in luck. Since it was a Saturday and most people were still in bed at this hour, the jogging trails were nearly deserted. Harm figured to spend a few hours wearing himself out on the trails before heading back to his apartment for what he hoped would be several hours of sound sleep.

Keeping up a steady, brisk pace around the park, Harm tried to clear his mind, but it remained stubbornly fixed on Mac and the reaction he had seen in her eyes when Brumby had made his announcement. For someone who was practically engaged to the man, she sure had not looked happy to have him back in D.C. on a permanent basis. But there had been something else, almost a look of pleading in her eyes when their eyes had met in the hallway, as if she had been silently begging for his help. But help with what? Help to make a decision about Brumby?

And then he had held her in his arms and for a few moments, he had been able to forget that Brumby existed, that Renee was in his life, that the night in Sydney had ever happened. For a few magical minutes, no one else had existed but the two of them.

All too soon, reality had intruded on his fantasy world and everything had gone on as before. Brumby was still there and so was Renee. And the stress and strain of the past year between him and Mac was still there. And it was all tearing him apart.

As Harm rounded a corner on the path, he was brought up short by the sight of his favorite jarhead jogging in his direction, the red headband holding her hair off her face matching the red of her USMC t-shirt. He leaned casually against a tree and watched her approach his position, while she remained unaware that he was there. As he waited for her to reach him, he thought in passing that Brumby wasn't with her. 

Caught up in her own tortured thoughts, Mac had almost passed Harm by before she noticed him out of the corner of her eye. Pulling up, she turned and headed for him. "Hi, Flyboy," she said, almost self-consciously, as if she wasn't entirely comfortable seeing him. And her voice was missing the usual teasing tone she used when employing her favorite nickname for him.

"Hi, yourself," he replied pleasantly, his usual 'flyboy' grin on his face as he studied her. As if nothing was wrong. "Nice place for a morning jog."

"It is," she agreed, then added impishly, "At least we're not that far from Bethesda if you have another accident."

Despite the tension of the last twelve hours, of the last twelve months, Harm couldn't help laughing at the comment, remembering how he had gotten hit by a car while jogging with her a few years back and they had found themselves in the middle of a hostage situation at a local hospital. "As long as there aren't any terrorists in residence this time," he teased back.

Mac found herself laughing, too. Even when she was feeling her bluest, Harm had this charming way of saying exactly the right thing to cheer her up. She found herself voicing the thought, "How is it that you know exactly the thing to say to make me laugh?"

Harm contemplated her for a moment before asking, a serious note to his voice, "Do you need to be cheered up?"

Without a word, Mac sat down on the ground in front of him, looking off into the distance. It was a few minutes before she replied quietly, "Yes, maybe. . . I don't know. I should be happy, shouldn't I?"

Harm sat cross-legged next to her and looked at her, but she continued to look away. In her voice, he had heard a reflection of his own tortured thoughts. "I don't know," he replied honestly. "I think the only person who can answer that question is Sarah Mackenzie."

Mac sighed heavily. "That's the problem," she said sadly. "Sarah doesn't know how to answer the question." She stopped suddenly and laughed bitterly. "How did we get to this point anyway?"

Harm stared at her as he recalled saying those exact same words to her on the _USS Watertown_ over a year ago. "I don't know," he answered quietly, "but this is definitely a little more than a bump in the road."

"Yeah, it is," she admitted. God, she thought, I can't discuss this now. I can't deal with it right now. Mac quickly stood and brushed dirt and stray blades of grass off her shorts. She looked down, but avoided looking directly at him. That would have been too hard. "I've got things I need to do today," she said. "I really need to get going. I'll see you here tomorrow, okay?" She turned and started to walk away.

Harm jumped up and started after her. "Wait, Mac," he called after her. She stopped, but didn't turn to face him.

"Harm, please don't," she begged, not even trying to hide the shakiness in her voice. "Not now." She took off again down the path, leaving Harm standing in the middle of the path, staring after her helplessly.

-----

Continued in Can't Fight This Feeling Chapter II – Can't Hold Out Forever


End file.
